Step 1 of 4 · Choose
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The reference your colleague didn't earn
A former teammate asks you to be a reference. They were kind, hardworking, and often out of their depth.
Choose another dilemmaThe situation
Dana worked beside you for two years. She was warm, reliable, and often struggled with the technical parts of the job — you covered for her more than once.
She has asked you to be a reference for a senior role at another company. She says this job would change things for her family.
Choose one to continue.
What matters most here?
A guess, not an answer. Nothing is scored.
Good values are in tension.
Option A — Agree, and speak warmly about her strengths
Loyalty
You are protecting someone who stood beside you when it cost her something.
and
Honesty
The employer forms a picture you know to be incomplete.
Option B — Agree, but be candid about the gaps
Honesty
The employer can rely on your account because it includes what is inconvenient.
and
Loyalty
Telling her first treats her as someone owed warning, not managed.
and
Compassion
Your candour may cost her the job she says would change things for her family.
Option C — Decline gently
Honesty
You avoid vouching for what you cannot honestly vouch for.
and
Loyalty
Dana loses a reference at the moment she asked for help.
The other responses protect legitimate concerns too. There may not be a perfect answer here.
Other people would weigh this differently.
Consider at least two views.
A reference is a promise to a stranger
The employer cannot see what you saw. If they hire on your word and Dana struggles, the cost falls on them and on Dana — who would be set up to fail in public. Candour protects everyone, including her.
Lens: duties and trustworthiness
People grow into roles when someone backs them
Past struggle is not a fixed ceiling. Much of what Dana lacked was support rather than capacity, and a reference can be honest about who she is while still giving her a chance she has never been given.
Lens: care and relationships
Tell her the truth first, then let her decide
The choice you are agonising over may not be yours alone. Telling Dana exactly what you would say returns the decision to her — she can accept a mixed reference or ask someone else.
Lens: respect and self-determination
What information could change your choice?
What might your choice protect — and what might it cost?
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You made the tension visible.
- Your choice
- The option you selected above.
- Values explored
- The values shown above.
- Your next step
- The step you chose above.